Creative Rebellion Essays: Expanding during conflict

During a conflict, be cool — photo by John S. Couch

It’s been my experience that the majority of conflicts, both personal and corporate, can be addressed through aligning on common ground and engaging in clear communication. Seems simple, right? But humans tend to be very loud and brave behind closed doors but remarkably anti-confrontational when it comes to directly, and politely, dealing with an issue wherein there is disagreement. How many times have we heard the ranting along the lines of “What an a--hole! I’d like to tell him/her how full of sh-t they are” but when it comes time to actually have a dialog, it either runs silent or worse, it turns into a shouting match. Nothing is resolved. Both are a form of cowardice.

Communication is key. In the workplace, lack of communication causes the parties to fill in the gaps with a story of their own, based on assumptions sometimes along the lines of “They must hate me and are trying to sabotage my career.” Being ghosted (an apropos term derived from staring at the three dots on your mobile phone as you await a text answer) is the digital trend of our times. It used to be harder to avoid dealing with someone but with everything from Instagram to Slack to email to texting to the good old phone call, there are multiple varieties of ghosting available to us now. Lack of communication probably induces the highest state of paranoia. We are always afraid of the unknown.

Miscommunication is another variety of modern digital communications. Nuance and context are often obliterated through the crude haiku of the poorly worded text or email missive. We extrapolate out what our husband, wife, significant other, co-worker or boss actually means by what appears to be a rude sentence, which in fact could be a result of their truncated texting while being in meetings, dealing with the kids, working out, or (please don’t do this) driving. 

So what do we do in this time of stress, when everyone is terrified of the coronavirus or politically swinging for the right or left? What do we do when we see bad behavior from our co-workers and company leaders? 

We expand. 

We look for common ground as humans. Whatever side of the political divide or company department, you can find common ground as people who have families, loved ones, maybe children, maybe pets. There is stress in life and there are internal weights to bear that are hidden, that we keep from each other: health issues, financial challenges, family drama, and general anxiety and insecurity. This humanizes both sides to each other and establishes empathy and nascent trust. This allows for two parties to align on common areas of agreement.

The next step is to communicate with radical, but kind and polite candor, with the other party. Without attachment. Here is how the situation appears to me. And then listen to the other party’s perspective. You don’t need to correct them or proclaim you are right. Just let them know you hear them and then work towards a common solution that may not be ideal for either party but allows for constructive compromise rather than brutal domination. 

Expand beyond your hard-held point of view to allow other points of view to be expressed. You don’t need to agree with the other perspective but you need to allow them to be heard. 

Listening, truly listening, and allowing the other person to be heard is key. 

Expand, communicate directly and align and you will find that there is no longer an attack to counter. You’ve diffused the conflict. The notion of a winner is no longer relevant. There is just harmony. For the moment. Until you do it again. 

But that’s okay. Conflicts and challenges come and go. Expansion is an ebb and flow, like the breath.

Like life.

John

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